


Pairing Love and Lust together

by Lithium012



Category: VIXX
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mild Smut, Past Sexual Abuse, Two Shot, idk - Freeform, rather badly written smut?, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-20 06:45:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15528504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lithium012/pseuds/Lithium012
Summary: A two shot on the relationship between Hakyeon and Sanghyuk. Smut is there but it's not explicit.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Mentions of Past Sexual Abuse

Sanghyuk is scared of being touched by others. Someone in his past abused his trust, broke him apart till he’s shattered. There’s still parts of him that reminds him of a better time that still lingers around. But, for the most part, there’s a dead, empty reflection looking back.

He touches the cool glass, wondering what it’s like to be normal. Wondering what it’s like to be touched by someone he wants to be touched by. Loved by someone he wants to be loved by. And with thoughts like that, it sends him downwards into a dark, abyss. He can already hear the ridicules of others, criticizing him for being reserved.

He covers his ears, hoping the sounds of others will be drowned out. They aren’t. They’re loud as ever and they bring Sanghyuk down till he’s nothing but dust. He presses his head against the bed, standing in the middle of the bedroom. It’s casted in darkness, with the curtains closed tight.

The bedroom door opens and a soft voice calls into the darken room.

“Sanghyuk? It’s me.” Hakyeon, Sanghyuk’s older boyfriend who seems to understand why Sanghyuk doesn’t like to be touched. He walks in, heading towards the younger – who’s curled up, on the floor with his head in his knees. His breathing shakes and he’s worried about driving Hakyeon away.

No one wants a boyfriend they can’t hold or have sex with.

Sanghyuk and Hakyeon don’t even kiss. The most they do is hold hands and cuddle on the sofa, but only for as long as Sanghyuk could tolerate it without going into a panic. He presses his head into Hakyeon’s shoulder, leaning against the soft touch that rubs his shoulder in comfort. He wonders what it’s like to sleep with Hakyeon, who then presses loving kisses onto the face of the younger.

“Are you okay?” Hakyeon asks, rubbing the younger’s shoulder. “Why is the room so dark?”

“I didn’t want… I didn’t want people to look in.” _I didn’t want them to mock me._ He squeezes his eyes shut, thinking about the words that someone told him. He curls into Hakyeon, gripping onto Hakyeon’s arm.

An idea enters his mind. “Hyung,” Sanghyuk murmurs.

“Hmm?”

“Sleep with me.”

“A-Are you sure…? I feel like… we’re moving too—”

“I’m not…” _some scared little boy._ He thinks about the past, where the person drove him into madness, where they took everything away from him and now, he wants it back. He wants it back after three long years of being with Hakyeon. The ever patient older has stayed through all of the horrid attacks that Sanghyuk gets in the middle of the night.

“I don’t want to be held down by it,” he says. “I’ve been thinking about it all night.”

“Only if you’re sure, then we’ll do it.”

“I’m sure,” Sanghyuk says, nodding once. The voices in his head tells him to forget it. Hakyeon will have sex with the younger, realize that he’s nothing but stained. But, he reminds himself if that was the case, Hakyeon would have left him a long time ago. The very first time they tried to kiss.

_“I can’t kiss,” Sanghyuk says, pulling away._

_“Why?”_

_“Someone… Someone took advantage of me. When I was young.”_

Hakyeon pulls the younger into a sweet kiss, kissing him like sugar on a strawberry. Hakyeon tastes sweet and kisses with the ever geniality Sanghyuk wants. He wanted someone to kiss him like this, kissing him like he’s special. Kissing him like he’s worth something more than a sex toy.

The older works his way down, peppering his neck with tender pecks that trail down onto his chest and towards his stomach. Sanghyuk’s breathing hitches and he feels something swirling in his stomach and heart. He isn’t sure if that’s anxiety or pleasure. Hakyeon’s hands roams the younger’s chest, occasionally touching his hand, asking if he’s okay.

Sanghyuk squeezes back with confidence. He’s nervous, but he assumes that’s normal when anyone does things like this. They lie on the floor, Sanghyuk underneath Hakyeon, completely at his mercy. His face flushed red and looking dazed.

“Are you okay?” Hakyeon asks. “Do you want to continue?”

A nod.

“Hyukkie, I need verbal consent.”

“Yes. I want, I want you to continue. Continue please.”

They merge, with Hakyeon leading. He makes sure the younger isn’t hurt, and for once, sex is not associated with pain. It isn’t associated with harm and hurt. Instead, Sanghyuk feels the loving touches that seem to send shivers down his spine. His back arches and a foreign sound of ecstasy escapes his lips. That feeling of intensity continues to weaken Sanghyuk’s strict barriers and yet, the boundary of what he wants and doesn’t want are still there.

It’s like he matters.

“Hyukkie,” Hakyeon says, breathless at the sight. “Do you want me to…” he swallows. “Do you want me to continue? I need your verbal consent.”

“Yes,” Sanghyuk whispers, equally breathless. “Yes, please.” Hakyeon drives down, taking Sanghyuk slowly and sweetly. It’s not rough, it’s not painful, it’s pure bliss. Sanghyuk wraps his arms around Hakyeon’s neck, hesitating on bringing him close. When he does, it’s like everything has fallen together, driving them another step closer.

He presses his forehead against Hakyeon’s, curling around him.

The feeling of ecstasy comes back, and it drives them both towards the end of the fantasy. The very thing they wanted to keep alive. Hakyeon keeps his focus on Sanghyuk, making sure he’s okay, making sure he still wants this. Sanghyuk couldn’t ask for anything more.

His eyes look into Hakyeon’s and pull each other into a deep-rooted love.

Love and lust make their connection, a small spark in Sanghyuk’s mind as he’s being driven towards something he wants. The finish that he never got because he’s too busy screaming, fighting and sobbing. The past buries itself with the formation of new memories.

They kiss as the end comes into their view. Sanghyuk crosses it first with Hakyeon following.

“I love you hyung,” Sanghyuk mutters, when Hakyeon pulls away.

“I love you more.” Hakyeon smiles with Sanghyuk groans and buries his face into a pillow, flushing from embarrassment.

Sanghyuk hates being touched by others. Hakyeon is the only exception and Sanghyuk is completely okay with that.

 


	2. The Prequel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The very beginning of the relationship and how it came to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Past Sexual Abuse

Sanghyuk leans against the sink at 3:30 in the morning, sweat dripping down his temple and another night of insomnia plagued with nightmares. He grips the porcelain, looking at himself in the mirror with distain. He sees marks littered across his face, his neck, his chest, his everywhere. He presses his head into the mirror, groaning.

The nightmares plagued him for months, years now. He looks at himself in the mirror hating the person who did this to him. Who made him scared of all human contact, pushing him into the point of isolation. He hates the person who reduced him into nothing but fear. He sees fear dancing in his eyes and vines growing out of the ground, spinning around him and suffocating him.

He wants it to end but he doesn’t know how.  

Sanghyuk takes a step back, stumbling a bit and hitting the wall. His back hurts but he doesn’t feel anything besides the numbness that spreads through his body. He leans his head against it, touching cold but feeling hot. He feels nothing but ice radiating from the wall, the way he likes it.

If heat ever seeps in, he isn’t sure what he’ll do. He can’t think of the heat that envelopes him in the middle of the night, whispering, “ _It’s okay Sanghyuk, mommy’s here._ ” He can’t think of the words she used to say as her hands wandered over his body, taking away his trust, his security and using that as a measure of love.

“ _Sanghyuk, mommy will protect you. Don’t you know that mommy loves you too?_ ”

He smashes his head into the wall in a vain attempt of silence her.

-**-

Morning comes in spurts and Sanghyuk’s head hurts as he lies on the sofa, looking at the wall. He hasn’t left his apartment in months, and he’s 5 days away from getting evicted. He finds holding a job down impossible, not when people think it’s okay to touch him and then getting angry at him for flinching or recoiling.

He thinks about telling someone about what happened; but he doesn’t. He doesn’t want people to tell him how it’s all his damn fault for not stopping it. But he was a little boy, he didn’t know any better. He buries himself inwards, imploding into a pile of dust.

In the mid-afternoon, someone rings his doorbell. Sanghyuk waits for a moment, hoping they’ll go away. They don’t and the doorbell rings one more time. He answers it, expecting the landlord, but finding a shorter, tanned man standing in the doorway with what seems to be a gift basket of household goodies. He holds it out with a radiating smile laced on his face.

“Hi,” he says, the smiling never leaving. “I’m Cha Hakyeon, I live next door to you and I’m new in the neighbourhood.” He shoves the gift basket closer to Sanghyuk, who stares dumbfounded.

“Shouldn’t it be the other way around…?” he asks. “I have to get you something because—”

“I do this at every new place I move to,” Hakyeon says, placing it down in front of the boy. “It’s my way of giving back for letting me know you.” His smile is soft and comforting, Sanghyuk wants to reach forward and touch it, bring it closer and use it as a life line. But he doesn’t, instead, he reaches for the basket.

“Thank you,” he mutters. “I’m Han Sanghyuk.”

“Sanghyukkie.” Hakyeon holds out his hand for a nice firm shake. Sanghyuk’s worst nightmare. “I hope we can become closer.” He didn’t want to be rude and reach out, gripping it, hearing her voice whispering in his ear once again.

“ _Sanghyuk, don’t worry. Mommy will protect you._ ”

-***-

Sanghyuk wakes up, groggy and disoriented. He looks around, noting that he isn’t even in his own apartment. Rather he’s in the softest and warmest bed ever. That sends his mind racing and his thoughts into a severe panic. He thinks about escaping but his body refuses to move, as if paralyzed.

The bedroom door opens and his mother walks in. Her hair flows behind her, dark and long. It’s oily, clinging to her forehead like a demon. He closes his eyes and waits for the touches that escalates into something she defends as love. Even at the age of 5, he knew that isn’t how you show love to someone.

“Sanghyukkie!” his mother says, and he snaps his eyes open. His mother never called him that. Her words were laced with an undertone of selfishness. This voice isn’t that, it’s 100% caring and compassionate. Sanghyuk feels his heart explode out of nothing.

“…Where…?”

“You’re in my apartment,” Hakyeon says, pressing a cold towel onto his forehead. “When you shook my hand, you suddenly blacked out. Are you okay?” Sanghyuk isn’t okay, but he doesn’t know when he’ll ever feel okay. But, for a moment, right now, he feels safe and he doesn’t know why. He looks at Hakyeon and gives a small smile.

“Yeah,” he mutters. “I’m okay.”

“Oh thank god.”

Months after his incident, Hakyeon refuses to leave his side, occasionally sending money over to make sure Sanghyuk can keep his apartment. Sanghyuk is grateful for the gesture, but he isn’t so sure how he’s going to repay Hakyeon. What happens if he turns around and asks him for something that he cannot give? What if, Hakyeon finds out and then stops because Sanghyuk is disgusting?

He can still see the vines that coil around his neck, tightening whenever they feel like. He suffocates. His mother’s hands are still over him, like a stain on his shirt that he cannot wash out.

The phone rings in his apartment one day and it goes straight to voicemail. A voice he hasn’t heard in a long time, reaches out to him.

“Sanghyuk, it’s me. I just want to let you know that your mother is dying. She’d like to see you once again.” The voice dies, along with the phone line. He stares at it, watching it explode. Everything in his room explodes and he lets out a blood curling scream in pain and agony.

He feels himself drowning, his body lifeless and unable to do anything. His vision blinds and all he can see is his mother standing there, touching his face and telling him, “ _Don’t cry, Sanghyuk. It’ll feel better soon. I promise._ ”

-****-

“Sanghyuk,” Hakyeon says, 8 months after their meeting. Sanghyuk looks over, his hair sticking to his forehead as the summer heat rolls over them like a freight train. “Would you ever think about… dating me?” Sanghyuk is about to open his mouth to say something but Hakyeon cuts him off, waving it around. “Nah… that’s stupid. I’m sorry I asked.”

“Yeah,” Sanghyuk says. “I do think about dating you.” He thinks about how radiating Hakyeon is and he wonders why he even likes the younger boy. He doesn’t understand it at all. There’s marks in the shape of hands on his body, there’s vines that wrap around his neck, suffocating him.

There’s piles of dust in his room, mementos of his mother.

Hakyeon’s face lights up and he looks like he wants to give Sanghyuk a hug but refrains himself. “I want your verbal consent,” Hakyeon says, shocking the younger boy – who looks at him with big eyes. “Every time I do anything, I want it.”

“W-Why?” No one ever asks him for it.

“Relationships are built on a foundation of trust and I want you to trust me. Do you trust me?”

Sanghyuk’s mind says “No”. It wails in agony and brings up painful memories to keep him down. But, a flicker in his heart says otherwise and with that, Sanghyuk gives his first verbal consent.

“Yes. I trust you.”

-*****-

His attacks are bad, they get worst late at night. So bad, that he had to move in with Hakyeon to keep himself safe. His head, arms and legs are littered with scars, the things to keep him grounded as he struggles through the thick waves of painful memories that come haunting at him, even 15 years later. Sanghyuk can’t breathe sometimes and Hakyeon’s soothing voice tries to ground him as everything spills out of him in pieces.

The touches.

The whispering.

The fears of being intimate.

“Do you want to talk to a professional about this?” Hakyeon asks, looking at his boyfriend. Seeing the damage someone did to him that leaves him feeling like he’s nothing but a toy for people to play with. “I don’t know what to do besides telling you that I believe you.”

“Is it my fault, hyung?” Sanghyuk asks, wiping away his eyes. “Is it my fault?” He hears the defenses of his mother in his head already. Someone told him that he’s a liar and liars shouldn’t be trusted. He doesn’t know what to do, not after being told that his words don’t matter.

“ _Sanghyuk, you shouldn’t lie._ ”

“No.”

“ _Sanghyuk, lying is wrong. I’m so disappointed in you._ ”

“It’s not your fault.”

“ _You’re a man, you should have been able to do something._ ”

“Those people deserve to be locked up. Listen to me Sanhyukkie,” Hakyeon says, touching his hand softly. Sanghyuk has learned not to flinch. “You don’t deserve that. No one does, but you have to know that something like that is not your fault. It’s the fault of the person who chose to abuse your trust.”

He leans into Hakyeon, smelling the scent of lavender from his candle wax. “Why are you so good to me?”

“Because I love you.”

“That’s gross.”

“Hey!” Sanghyuk laughs at the sound of his hyung’s exasperated voice. He believes that one day he’ll be healed. Until the marks leave his body and the vines uncoils, he latches onto the one thing that keeps him grounded.

His heart feels slightly lighter and he waits for the moment for when he’s finally clean, rid of the marks that press him down. Hold him back from feeling normal.

Hakyeon came into his life at the right moment, but Sanghyuk knows there’s a lot of work to do. He’s willing to take the steps forward, in order to burn the bridges of the past and build new ones. Stronger ones that’ll keep him grounded forever and ever.

He waits for the day where he’s finally clean.


End file.
